How to Kiss a Dwarf
by Moonraykir
Summary: Kili has taught Tauriel all there is to know about being a dwarf except one very crucial skill.


"So," Kíli said, leaning back on his arms and regarding Tauriel with a smile. The two of them lounged on the rug before the fire in one of Erebor's deserted common rooms. "You wanted to know how to be a dwarf. And I've taught you to drink ale, throw hammers, smoke a pipe, and braid your beard. But I haven't shown you the most important secret of all."

"Oh?" Tauriel watched him with an expression both curious and amused, as if uncertain how seriously she ought to take him. "Is it arm wrestling? Or how to tell gold from silver by smell?"

He grinned, mischievous. "Oh, it's far more important than that. I haven't shown you how real dwarves kiss."

Kíli loved the way Tauriel's freckles nearly disappeared when she blushed, as she did now.

"Surely you do it in the usual way," she protested.

"What? Tauriel, you doubt me?" He looked wounded. "It's our most guarded custom. We never kiss in front of outsiders, so how could you even know?"

"I— I suppose..." she returned. She sounded unconvinced.

"Here, I'll show you." He took her by the shoulders and carefully positioned her so that she leaned slightly towards him.

"Now close your eyes," he instructed.

She did.

"I warn you; you've never been kissed like this before. Prepare yourself."

Her lips twitched up slightly in that irresistible almost-smile she had when she was trying not to show how irresistible she found _him_.

"I'm ready," she whispered when nothing had happened.

"Hush." Kíli leaned towards her, slowly, till his nose was pressed against hers. After a few moments, he sat back again.

"That was it?" Tauriel demanded, clearly disappointed. Her eyes remained hopefully closed.

"Mm-hm," Kíli affirmed.

"But—" She opened her eyes to stare at him. "That wasn't—"

"You can't imagine we actually do anything with our _lips_ , can you?" Kíli asked, shocked. "That wouldn't really be safe, what with so much beard. You wouldn't want to get tangled, or worse, _suffocate_."

Tauriel's eyes narrowed.

"That may be, master dwarf," she said pointedly, "But _you_ at least have no beard to speak of, and so I think we hardly need to take such a precaution."

"Tauriel, I'm not sure I'm ready for this!" he protested, leaning back beyond her reach "You might kill me; I mean, what if I can't breathe!"

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," she said, throwing herself at him and just catching him round the shoulders as he tried to squirm away.

"Tauriel, it might be terrible," he managed in a most unconvincing tone before Tauriel pinned him to the carpet and pressed her lips to his.

Kíli did not, Tauriel observed, seem to be expiring, unless, of course, his inevitable destruction had made him eloquent in some final wordless language of despair. It _was_ despair, she was sure, because if he was dying, he clearly welcomed the end, and what was more, seemed fully willing she should meet it with him.

She tumbled free of him at last and lay watching the firelight dance over the ceiling as she caught her breath. Perhaps they _had_ been drowning, a little.

"That wasn't so bad," Kíli said beside her. He sounded pleased.

"I knew I didn't believe you," Tauriel said. "Clearly you've properly kissed a lass before."

"Well, yes," he admitted sheepishly. "But I had to be sure _you_ wanted to be."

She giggled. "I really hope it kills you the next time."

It didn't.

* * *

Author's note:

So this bit of fluff and nonsense is the result of a conversation I had with my good friend, who is not a Kiliel fan, but so fondly puts up with my enthusiastic shipping. I mentioned that I had got my mom to read my fic _So Comes Snow After Fire_ , and while I am pleased that she liked it enough to ask me to keep her posted about updates, I admitted it is embarrassing to write kissing when your mom will be reading it. How sexy is too sexy for moms? I joked that I would give her the Mom Edition, in which Tauriel and Kili only Eskimo kiss. And then I imagined Kili passing off Eskimo kissing as a dwarvish custom to a very disappointed Tauriel. And of course I had to write it.


End file.
